Constantine, Constantine, Constantine!

Today was such a strange today. I tossed and turned in my sleep all night, from the nightmares. I awoke feeling as if my mother had died all over again. My emotions were on edge all day.I had to be at school for workday at the ungodly hour of 9am. Addam and I made the "owl" tapestry for the musical, although Addam's owl resembles a lemur more than it does an avian. We cautioned Vanessa as to our lack of artistic ability, but she didn't listen. The work for the tapestry was horribly tedious. Charcoal, flog, redo the charcoal, flog again, more charcoal, flog, flog, flog, charcoal...After lunch, for some reason or another, I was feeling more vulnerable. Gwenn pulled me over, for what I thought was to talk more about costumes. She wanted to express her sympathies for the death of my mother. I smiled as she went on to say that I could talk to her if I ever needed to. So many people have offered their shoulder, but I don't feel comfortable enough to talk to most of them.Something pushed me over the edge after that. I was occupied painting the boarder around the tapestry, and suddenly water surged in my eyes, and I couldn't see. I cried in the bathroom for half an hour, my entire face enshrouded in tears. I kept telling myself, "I'm stronger than this," despite the fact that I know strength does not mean the absence of emotion. Strength can come through tears. Then why did I feel so weak? I still miss her so much. I want to talk about her - not a planned conversation, I want to be able to talk freely about her, to see the slightest bit of interest in the other person's eyes, so that guilt does not eat away at me. It's more of an issue with kids at school. There is only one friend my age that I can think of that doesn't shy away when I mention her, or the hospital visits, or illness and death. I feel a great mortality, and yet, I'm not afraid. I am afraid of making people uncomfortable. People's eyes can express so much, then why am I afraid to look at them? What am I so afraid of? Nothing that was listed on Goo's phobia list. Am I afraid of the truth, or am I afraid that they'll see what's in my eyes. I have great control over my mouth, to hide all evidence -- but there's nothing I can do to control my eyes.I've been hiding behind a wall of cynicism to an even greater extent as of late. Some of the sarcasm has been drawn out of my nature, but I worry about the rest. I'm not usually so "catty," and I generally only complain about such trivial events during more substantial relapses.My afternoon was better. I ate at Bertucci's with Goo, Betsy, and Morgan. Our waiter was Constantine (Constantine, Constantine) from Bosnia. He was very... interesting. Morgan, what's the time? If any of the three of you are reading this, thank you so much. I was able to forget the pain (physical and emotional), and laugh, and genuinely enjoy myself.Betsy and I then ventured a la casa de Goo, and had a relaxing afternoon. I needed it. I've been working hard, skipping breaks at school to do more work, and losing sleep. Neglect catches up to me very quickly. My legs hurt so badly, that I can barely walk, and during the show (which, for the record, was wonderful, save that Amy girl) I kept getting double vision to accompany the headaches. That, in addition to countless other physical ailments. I've certainly felt worse, but I hate when I do this to myself. I could have prevented it, but I opted out. I predict a more substantial crash tomorrow, and then I'll spend the next week recovering. I even yelled at Jacquie on the stairs before the show. She was kvetching about walking allll the way back to the main building, after just reaching the theater building, and I barked back, "OH, complain, complain! FIBROMYALGIA AND CFIDS." I think I took her aback, I'm not usually so forward with her. My harsh tone surprised me, too.Tomorrow I get so sleep -- and I plan to sleep as late as I can go avoid the eminent collapse. I've been dealing so well with my Chronic Fatigue lately, I can't believe that I did this to myself. Someday I'm going to get rid of this. Someday, I'm going to wake up, and I'll be able to walk perfectly, and I won't have a headache, and I won't hurt everywhere, and my joints won't ache, and my lymph nodes won't be swollen, and I'll be able to sleep, and I won't get sick, and I'll be able to think properly... and it will be a miracle. Even if the odds are one million to one, I can do it. I can do anything.~Jenn