Untitled on a Thursday Evening

I feel like I am outside of my body, distant and secluded from my own life. I do not have a great memory of these past few days, except some of the rather strange things that I did. For example, this morning I attempted to brush my hair with a telephone, tried to use my pajamas as a towel after my shower, and nothing I have said has been right. I seem to have very little control over my emotions, and I find myself apologizing to friends over and over again for perceived discourtesy, and have been repetedly told that I did not behave badly. In truth, I have no memory of anything I told them, so I wanted to apologize "just in case." At least, I think that's the reason, I can't be sure. I'm in a severe state of confusion.I went to bed early last night, and had strange dreams. It may have been due to the fact that I went to bed at 7:30 because of my sinus infection. Normally I would not complain about something so trivial as a sinus infection, but it really was horrible last night. The right side of my face hurt so badly that I could not even open my eyes, there was too much pressure. My vision was horribly blurry, and I could barely open my mouth from the excruciating pain. I could not walk a few steps without falling... I haven't had that in a long, long time. It felt as if I were trapped under a boulder, and could not escape.. and it was exerted enormous amounts of pressure on my face. My only possible evasion of this situation was to sleep.I dreamt that I was lying on the sofa (which I was, at the time), and that my father receied a phone call that my grandmother was in the hospital. Immediately, I knew that she was on her death bed. In the dream, that is -- in real life, my grandmother is perfectly healthy. Soon after this phone call, I was rushed into the hospital myself, and diagnosed with brain cancer. This may have been in part from thinking about my mother a lot, and also from the fact that I was reminded of her symptoms before diagnosis: astonishly similiar to my trivial little sinus infection. They performed radiosurgery [the surgery that my mother could not have, due to the agressive nature of the tumor], and I ended up sharing a room with my grandmother, who promptly died. Very typical of a dream.I woke up and checked to make sure I still had my peripheral vision. I'm such a ridiculous person.******Oh, and Joanne wanted me to go to the library today, to return books. Luckily, I had an excuse: I cannot return all of the Inca books, because I left one at school, which will be returned tomorrow [Friday]. Why don't we send Joanne off to the Son of Sam cult member. She's in no danger, the Son of Sam only kill attractive young girls. [I told Katy that bit of information, adding that I was not in danger, but Katy, being a dear, said that I was in danger. I'll go along with that, because: a) it can't hurt to boost my self esteem, and b) it's not as if I went out of my way to confront this guy. However, I AM over this little incident. I did talk about it for a while Wednesday morning, because it felt like such a novelty.*****One of the only things I do remember about this week is driving home from the gas station yesterday. I was driving behind an ambulance, and I craned my neck to see the person being escorted. Call it a sick fascination. I got a better look at a light. It was a good thing I was stopped, because I almost lost control of the wheel.The woman inside looked identical to my mother, with the exception of a few extra gray hairs. Same face, same hair style, same body type, even. Our gazes connected, and she sat bolt upright. Her eyes seemed to swell instantaneously, and she reached her hand towards me ever so slightly, with her mouth slightly agape. The emergency personel tried to get her to lie back down, but she wouldn't. And then there was a green light.It frightened me, to have this woman staring back at me. I had the overwhelming desire to follow the ambulance, but I was feeling lousy, unfit for driving, so I wisely drove home directly.Life is strange, isn't it? Originally, I planned to write a nice, cheerful, "isn't the world rosy" entry, but that never ends up happening. As soon as I am able to connect back to my life, I will do so.Well, the good thing was that I developed my first negatives in photo class today, and I believe the pictures of my children came out decently. As soon as I print them, I'm going to make ALL of you look at them. I love those children more than I can even say. I know that they are quick to loyalty, but how can I avoid melting when I arrive at their class yesterday (to take photos), just as they were in line to go on a little outing, and they run up to me with open arms, shouting my name. "JENN!" "Jenn, will you hold my hand?" "I want to hold Jenn's hand!" "No, I do!" "I get to walk behind Jenn!" "Are you coming back to stay?"We saw Becky walk by, who worked with the Children's Garden kids recently, and they didn't even look twice at her. The teachers tried to get the kids to remember Becky, but they could not even recall her name, much less have the urge to run up and hug her. I felt very loved.Oh, and I noticed that Goo announced her role in the musical in her entry. Congrats, Goo! Some of the casting looks quite promising, although other roles... well, for one thing, I have been cast as a soprano. I do not mind the fact that my song is a soprano song, but in all of the harmonies I am a soprano. It's not *bad*, it's merely unusual. I put down "mezzo" for my voice type on the audition sheets. All my life I have sung the alto line, and it feels odd to be singing the melody. I kept singing the Sop 2 line by accident yesterday, when I know the melody perfectly well. I'm more of an "alto with screeching ability," anyway. I have no ability to anunciate above an e. It's rather ironic that my song has no words. "Ah ah ah aahhhh ahhhhhhhh." I think I can handle it. I'm not fond of the pairing of my role (the other girl has a diva attitude), but I'm feeling as if I can handle just about anything right now. Even the occassional diva -- or two.~Jenn