A Day In My Life

Life is good. I honestly cannot think of anything to vent about in this entry. Isn't that incredible? I cannot think of one problem in my life. I am sitting here, with a Cheshire Cat-eqsue grin like there's no tomorrow. My brother is giving me strange looks. There must have been something in the multi-vitamin I just took. Let's see... Calcium 100%, Zinc 100%, Riboflavin 100%, Hardcore Cocaine 100%... we have found the culprit.I have not written in LiveJournal in such a long time. I reread my previous entries. One word: ANGST. Especially the one about dinner at Bertucci's. "I enjoyed the evening, but now I'm feeling lousy because I'm the only one who did." I am able to draw one conclusion: I didn't enjoy it as much as I said. Oh, yes, looking back on the evening, it was enjoyable, despite the fact that it compelled me to write about my social inhibitions. I was in denial, that I am no longer Pollyanna. Disgustingly enough, I *was* a Pollyanna, of sorts, in middle school. I was THE optimist. Just being around me made one's stomach wretch. I've certainly changed since then, although I still smile and laugh a lot. I can't help it.So much of my life has changed since my last entry. September 10th feels like a lifetime ago. I am so angry at myself for writing what I did about my mother, because I had nothing else to complain about. She was a little difficult towards the end, but it was rather endearing, and I would put up with it for another 40 years if I could. I still miss her so much. I cry at night, sometimes, while everyone else is asleep. I still have dreams about her. She will always be my hero. It was Parent's Day at CSW last Friday, and I was hopelessly jealous. All around me, kids were walking with their mothers. I never wanted my parents to attend those functions, but I wanted so badly to be able to walk with my mother. Life is such a precious gift.I am dealing with the loss pretty well. I think I dealt with it better right after her death. Perhaps it was easier with all of our family gathered 'round, and people giving me an easier time. This is really the first mod that I have no "excuses." Mod 1 I spent time visiting her in the hospital, and was unable to complete many assignments. She passed away during Mod 2, and Mod 3 it was still so close... I was recovering. What can I say for Mod 4? "Still recovering." I cannot excuse my way through life. Besides, I am still doing quite well in my classes. My homework for math has been a little sporadic, shall we say, but I still seem to have a 95 average.My eyes are swollen simply from thinking about my mother. Nobody outside of my family seems to talk about her anymore. I guess I should hang out on the streets of Winchester more often: people still come up to me and tell me what an incredible woman my mother was. She made such an imprint on so many people's lives. It's such a shame that none of my CSW friends really got know her. She *was* amazing. It hurts me that I cannot talk to any of my school friends about her. I think that it makes them uncomfortable when I mention her. I miss her beyond measure.What happened to the "I have no problems" attitude? Well, I don't, really, just a few long-term issues. I did have a most fabulous weekend. I babysat Ben & Caroline. On Saturday we visited with Mrs. Cataldo (friend of the family -- she's incredible), and her children, Jesse and Maia. On Sunday, we took a field trip to Walden Pond, and then visited Goo. That's a brief summary, anyway. My body is still trying to recover. I don't need to mention CFIDS, *again*, do I?At this point, I am not sure what to write about. I had a million thoughts in my head before I started, but they have since dissipated. My sister is also in "dire need" of banana bread, and I shall comply to her request. Everybody could use a little more banana bread in their life.~Jenn