Friday Evening LiveNovel entry

I just got home not to long ago. I didn't sit at home this evening, isn't that incredible? I went out to Bertucci's in Lexington centre, con Jacquie, Katy, Emily Goo, Jesse Scott, and Toby. I think I was the only one who actually enjoyed myself. As always, friendships strained towards the end and people got tired. It must be some special effect that I have on people. We didn't do much ... or rather, we didn't do *anything*. Although it was nice to be out of the house, to be included. I spend so many of my evenings home with my family (essentially alone), and human contact is always a good thing. Unfortunately, due to years of isolation in my house, I have absolutely zero social skills. (Yes, hear it comes. Another horrible rant about Jenn's past.) It's not that my parents isolated me, I take full responsibility for my isolation. In elementary school, I regarded as so different from the other kids, that although I had friends, I usually went straight home from school and did homework, and was basically on my own. In middle school, I again wanted to concentrate on schooling. And then, I got sick, which if you know me, my life is now focused on. I was then forced to stay at home because I could not move, could not think, and could not even moan most of the time to express that I was in a lot of pain. Having that experience as my background doesn't really aide to social situations. I was bless?d enough to get CFIDS in eighth grade, after cliques have already been established and kids are overly concerned about being "social." Social Life was such a foreign concfept to me. My social life was going to school for an hour or two before getting sent home sick. I only got to do it once or twice a week, as to not get too much excitement all at once. Who am I kidding, those few hours I did spend at school were absolute nightmares.Hence, I have never really spent my life around other kids. Adults, yes, but never kids. Teenagers, esp., have such a different social structure and social expectations. I wish people could be more tolerant with me. I find it so hard to escape from myself, as I retreated into my own little world many years ago. I don't want to offend people, to annoy people. I don't even act like "myself" around these people. I guess I just wanted to apologize to people. I don't think my behavior was atrocious, although obviously it didn't go as well as it should have. I can't take full responsibility for it, either, as I did enjoy myself. I wonder if I'm in denial, because although I look back on it now and claim that I enjoyed it, I still feel the need to have another rant in this LiveNovel. I just have so much work to do.. not work like homework (that, too), but work in relating to other people. Believe me, being cut off from the world for so long makes it very difficult. I know I have so many faults, and I'm trying to work through this. Changing behavior is so difficult. I don't think it's fair for me to come home and think that I had a nice evening out, while others go home and feel miserable -- but I can't control everyone else. I can't make them enjoy themselves, it's up to them. I think if they looked and realized how truly lucky they are, it would make them feel better. I know I'm incredibly lucky. I have had so much good fortune. Yes, I've had my share of misfortunes, but I'm learning to overcome them. Everyone goes through it, it's not just me.I'm not sure what point I'm trying to get across, if I'm even trying to get a point across at all. The people I feel bad for are the ones who went home this evening and did not feel positively about the experience. Yes, I'm still hurting terribly all over, feel quite ill, (once again, I HATE Chronic Fatigue!) and can barely move or think, but I'm content. Thanks to everyone.G'night,Jenn