Sunday, June 17, 2007
A Thought Returns
I remember one of the topics I while looking at the first paragraph of my last entry. "Hardcore cocaine."Jacquie and I were conversing on the ride back to school from Bruegger's, and somehow came to the topic of children by way of how stupid Drew Pappone's parents must be to give their son a car, even though he has a record of crashing the car once every month since he has gotten his license. (what a mouthful) I mentioned that I wanted to adopt a child, and could very well end up with my own little Drew Pappone, perish the thought. Jacquie suggested that I would be better off marrying a good guy. If anyone happens to know of any straight-edge guys (not die-hard straightedge, but preferrably not with a cocaine habit) with a strong sense of morals, and at least moderately attractive, please tell him that I want to marry him. I'm incredulous that he even exists, but don't want to miss my opportunity if he, in fact, does. Do warn him that it's more of a strong friendship than a sexual relationship. Right, find me a guy like that. I dare you.You know what I just realized? I want my parent's relationship. I want the same kind of relationship they had. I do NOT want to marry my father, but I want a similiar relationship. Although the guy should not scare people off with his crazy optimization ideas and bad mathematician jokes, however endearing they may be. Moreover, I want to be like my mother. She gave me her 8th grade journals, so I know that she wasn't perfect -- which means I still have a chance at becoming as wonderful as she did.I read in a million and three books called "dealing with children about loss" (they ALL have the same title, I swear!) that developing a fixation on the lost loved one is natural. Of course, I've always had a fixation with my mother. She was my best friend, the person I always wanted to be, my ideal. It's only natural that I would feel even more intensely after losing her... right? I'm not just crazy?~Jenn
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2 comments:
BAGEL SHOPS AND FANCY SCHOOLS. WOW. HELLO INTER-NET JOURNAL PERSON!!
Dude--Guys like that do exist, the problem is that they have some essential flaws. While I'm sure you could find someone who makes you happy and prefers friendship to a sexual relationship, this guy might pick his nose or have a really hideous laugh, you know, some variation on your dad's bad mathematician jokes. Anyway, I admire your ability to not be boy-crazy (like me). And as for this "fixation," I think that as everyone on earth has a mother, most people can understand a strong love and admiration for one's mother, especially a) if she is wonderful and loving [which I'm sure is true, even though I never had the privelege of meeting your mother] and b) if you have to deal with losing her, especially so early in your life. Your parents are lucky to have had each other and of course it's natural to want to have the same happiness they found! With any luck, yours won't have the same tragic obstacles--fortunately, I believe the odds are in your favor.You are already way ahead of the game in how mature and optimistic you stay and one way or another, I know you will always find a way to enjoy your life, the way your mom would have wanted it for you.Pardon the sentimentality, and if there's anything that you'd rather not have posted on the LJ that I've written here, let me know and one of us can delete it.-GooP.S. I have faith in your intelligence that you would never introduce any form of Pappone into your life.
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